Lilly Sway

                        Times are tough for every one, and I just don’t mean to add to the distress that some of us already are feeling, but no matter how often I try to maintain a strict hold on our budget, it is just is out of control all of the time. We do not use credit, not even for gas, our line of work does not allow us to pay bills in a timely manner, so we just usually pay as we go, or we just don’t go. I have robbed Peter to pay Paul more than I care to, more often than I have ever had to.  We have to remember to always give thanks for what we have and strive for what we need, sometimes it is hard especially with the economy of today to strive for what we need. I am most of the time at a loss as to how I will prepare a meals for the week and most of the time it is the same old hash, but we are grateful to have the hash at all. There are some people worse off though, as I will share with you today

Last evening we had a study group for a project in my daughters middle school language class, The moms like to take turns. The groups are sometimes five kids, or maybe just three like today, but any how you can imagine how unfair it would be if one parent had to host all of the kids for every project. My turn was today the last project was before Christmas break, and one of the moms ended up with seven kids at her home she was taken aback and did not know if she should feed them or just give them a snack, anyway she called me for help, and she seemed overwhelmed as to what she should do, so I called another mom she volunteered to  bake cookies and I brought over some tea and that seemed to satisfy the teens hunger. The project went well and the kids got a B for the project.

I think sometimes that it is just teens who seem to be starving all the time, we all have a snack when we get home but my teens are always ready to eat, today I had planned to cook dinner early, because I had not been sleeping very well here lately and I thought I could get things done early so I could get to bed sooner. I cooked an early dinner. I asked if the kids that came over if they would like to join us for dinner and one of them declined, because it was his grandmothers birthday and they were going out for dinner, but the other two kids decided to join us, and so we had an early dinner as planned plus two.

When eight rolled along one of the kids had not been picked up yet, and then I remembered he had loaded up his bike in my vehicle for the ride home after school, I said that it was getting late and that he should call his mother to come for him because the ride through our neighborhood is dark and dangerous for lack of street lights, he said that he did not mind and that he would ride his bike anyway. I tried to reason with him but he seemed to not want to call his mother, so I thought that maybe I could drive him home. He accepted and then I asked him to call his mother to make sure it was alright. He said OK

I  got ready to take him home and my son and daughter piled in the vehicle for the ride. I asked him to give me directions to his house I knew that his father died of a heart attack and that he and his mother were struggling and had moved twice in the past year. I had not had the opportunity to talk to his mom about where it was that they had moved to. I know that since they were a single parent family they had trouble with finances and had moved quite a bit in the last few years. When we got to his street he asked me to stop and let him unload his bike. I said that I could not very well stop in the middle of the traffic, so I pulled into his driveway there were no lights and I asked if his mother was home the boy replied that she was sleeping, but his face seem alarmed at my inquiry so I got out to help him unload the bike.

As I got out to help, so did my son, I noticed the boy got agitated and said that he was capable,  and that he did not need the help, but buy then I was trying to ring the doorbell when I became aware of an eviction notice on the door I was overwhelmed immediately and thought the child was just embarrassed. No that was not it, he ran to the back of the house and then appeared at the door to retrieve his bike from the walkway  with out a word. I then asked him if I could speak to his mom, after a couple of minutes which seemed an eternity, he just blurted out that his mother was in jail and that he did not know what to do accept go to school. I was shocked to say the least.

After a good cry the boy explained that his mom lost her job 4 months ago and that she had not found another accept to clean houses, but it was not enough to pay the bills, her checks for the utilities had bounced and the fees both at the bank, and the mortgage combined were in arrears so badly already, that the domino effect snowballed into the police arresting her for theft by check. The boy is fifteen, and in our state that means that he did not need to be removed to CPS. His mother got 90 days in jail, this woman has no family and the boy is just the nicest person you could ever meet, he  has always worked since his dad died three years ago, he  sweeps out driveways and cleans out flower bed and gutters all summer.  but he could not find work he explained, not enough work to pay any of the bills.

I brought him back home with me and he is sleeping on the sofa bed tonight and probably until his mom come out of jail. I did not get to bed early and I really am having a hard time getting to sleep now, so I decided to write and maybe I thought, that I could find a solution to this problem, and then it struck me that there are probably more children out there in trouble like this child is, or maybe worse, my husband said to me that there is only so much one person can do, and to be thankful that I was not only agitated by the situation but that I had done something about it for the good of this child.

I am grateful for what I have and I always try to do my best at whatever it is I do, but tonight was so very sad to me, that when you think about it, there was not a  whole lot I could do to really help. When his mom gets home where will they go? what will they do? I am not coming up with any answers, but I know that there are many people just a paycheck away from that same scenario I know that we are swimming the same narrow straights that have affected many people and been catastrophic to there very livelihood . Yes things are not so good for a lot of us, but things could be worse.

Food For The Mind

Lilly”s Way

                        As the anniversary of my mothers death rolls around again, and again I still feel as though it was just last week, I have grown older and wiser, I have learned to accept things as they are, well to a certain point. I have been through so many battles that I just wonder how it is that I have kept my head together at all. And then I always turn my thoughts towards the struggles my mother had and how she survived to the age of eighty three, sometimes just barely though.  One of my sons discourages me from writing about sad or just plain bad things that happen to a person in their life, he is an optimist, and he usually prefers to look on the bright side of most anything.

I am getting older, so I speak my mind sometimes without a thought to how what I say could possibly affect anyone else, and I really think that my son who I am very grateful to for all of his help in giving me an out, or a release for my troubles that wear me out, and my triumphs that make me happy, by showing me how to use the computer. That is why I can reach out to you out there, Yes I am talking to you out there we are not all that different  from one another you know,  and then just maybe you will get something out of it, my writing is maybe helpful to others, or not, well that’s how I see it anyway.

To share this story that I wrote the night she died my mother that is, the story is about her.  Maybe this will help me more than you, so here we go another look at my life the yesterdays that have past, the today’s that I am living,  and the tomorrow’s that I hope to have. I was at the hospital sitting and watching the screens beep, the Iv drip, and the nurse who was checking my mothers pulse, When I just stared and fell into deep concentration about what my children will have to do when they are in my shoes, and of course to the memories of her. Here I am at my mothers bed side in her final stages of life, the doctor says this is it,  there is no more time for her on this earth, I am feeling very sad I resent the fact that it is me who has to make all of the decisions, I wish that she could do this for me also, as she helped me do those things that were hard for me to do as a child.

This woman is a rock she was so strong in every way, I mean she rarely said anything bad to anyone. I recall she helped a lady on the bus one day when I was only ten, the lady had been slapped by her husband, and my mother said to him how he should be ashamed, he spat on her and my mom just wiped it off with her handkerchief  she then turned to the lady and said to her that she could file charges of abuse on her husband, with the police, the man called my mother names, but she just kept right on telling the lady where the nearest policeman was in the city, just in case she said to the lady, just in case you get tired.

I held on to my mothers hand so tightly that I think I might have hurt her, but I remember that she never flinched an eye and stood her ground, she was so brave I thought, so tough.  I looked back at her ways, and at eighty three she governed herself so very  well she was as healthy as a horse as she always put it, I saw her debilitation drain every ounce of her good health away she became a victim to Alzheimer’s, and dementia I saw that invincible super mom turn vulnerable, and I saw the lost look of not being able to recognize her surroundings, and finally not being able to recognize me.

All of my life I have aspired to be just like her to be just like the best person you could ever meet,  the best one I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I was lucky that night she opened her eyes and I was there, although she was weak she managed to tell me that I must be in the wrong room, because she did not like to share her room with anyone much less a stranger. She just said faintly(” young lady you have to go, this is no place for you”).  I wanted to say hey mom it’s me, but I caught myself, she would be upset and I might confuse her,  so I was content to pat her face and give her a nod and then I  said that I would leave soon,  and then she was gone just like that. The tears just rolled out. I didn’t know that I was crying I was sort of wishing that I had dreamed it all.  The doctor said that she lived to a good age and that I should be glad of that, and I let him think that I was content with that statement. She is gone and with all the memories in the world that I have swimming in my head I will always remember how proud I am that I had her for the short time that I did.

Food For The Mind

Lilly’s Way    www.lillysway.com

                        I take joy in all things, especially in my children. Well today I try practice calmness, fairness, and total openness with my children, and with every passing day of course there is a new challenge to make my job well, interesting. When I was being raised there were very few thing you could get up enough nerve to counter your parents about. My mother always said to me “hey one day you will have children of your own and you will really know what I’m talking about”,  she would then say again no to what ever it is I wanted,  and that was that, until I became a teen, then of course everything my parents said was unfair, and we never seemed to agree on the occasions that I wanted to go somewhere.

Well today I became aware of my mothers warnings I’m sure at some point when you were growing up you heard the phrase (”wait until you have your own children then you will understand”). Oh my goodness today I said those very words to my daughter and I was not as nice to her as my mother was when she said them to me. It all started when my husband gave my 14 year old permission to go to a valentines day dance and I did not agree, I said that it was not that she was not going to a well supervised outing, or in danger, but I believed at that time that we would be opening a new can of worms about curfew,  and then about the where she would want to go next. Well she went and I did my best for her to have a first good outing, but when we went to pick her up she wanted to wait until the whole thing was completely over and of course, the can I spend the night over my new friends house, and before I knew it,  my house was full of girls for a sleep over, which was OK I would rather have a house full of kids I don’t know than to have my daughter go somewhere to spend the night over someones house that I had not already met the parents of.

We did have fun all 15 of us,  we ate a lot of junk and played win lose or draw, the best game we played was mix and match and I know that you must think that I’m crazy, but we played it with a double deck and these teens can get very competitive, so we made teems of 5 and played for 2 straight hours so, not a bad way to spend the evening huh. Well finally the next day by noon everyone had been picked up and we had the clean up. and that was that. or so I thought that was Friday night and Saturday afternoon my teen asked her dad if she could go to a party Sunday, he of course said yes. she went and was home by 9:pm, she was happy and had fun, and all was well for the evening.

Then she had been invited to eat dinner with one of her new friends on Tuesday evening the girls grand parents were having a party and she wanted to have a few friends over and do their homework and have dinner together and then I could pick my daughter at 8:pm I said no,  my husband said ” what would be the harm in it”. it was a school night I reminded him, he then said oh just let her go, so I did. When I went for her she convinced me to come inside to meet the grandparents parents, they were very nice. The grandparents turned out know my parents and after exchanging telephone numbers they offered me some coffee and refreshments, but it was late, I still had dinner dishes waiting for me and so I politely declined the invitation and and  my daughter and I went along our way.

Upon arriving home my daughter announced to her father that I was very rude to her friends parents and stormed off to her room, after explaining to my husband that I was polite in my decline to indulge myself. I caught up to my daughter and asked her why she said to her father that I was rude. She said that the grandparents had invited all of the girls who were there tonight to their ranch to ride horses on the upcoming weekend and that she was sure that I had ruined it for her now by not having coffee with them. I said that I was sure that I was not rude and that an invitation to go to a ranch with strangers was not OK and that she could not go. She then told me that if I had stopped for a moment to have coffee with them that they would no longer be strangers. I asked her if she knew how ridiculous that statement sounded. and then she just turned away and cried, so I left her room and was sure she would be fine in the morning.

Wrong, wrong, wrong she was still upset but, I was already in unison with my husband about her not going on this particular venture, since we barely new the parents and the ranch thing was for a whole weekend, so the answer was still a no and this time we did not concede. She was very angry and began to sulk there was not a day that passed us by that we were not chastised about the strict rules we were all of a sudden enforcing on her. My 14 year old was comparing herself to her 22 year old brother and his outing on the weekend mind you he takes a full college load works a full time job and does computer repair an the side, when he goes out he is an adult and a darn good mentor, my daughter was not his age and still had a lot of growing up to do.

But the invitations for outings kept on coming for the next three weeks and weekends. The declines got easier and easier to say no to, because there was the girls just showing up to go to a dance that there parents let them go to because it was for teens only and no drinks allowed, and the best part was that it closed at 10:pm, the no was that this place was across town,  some where like a party across town,  to the mall, to the movies, to the spa, to a baby showers of one of the girls aunts,  and the parents were just going to drop them off, I’m for as much fun as the next girl, but not every weekend, not every other day, and most certainly not unescorted to all of the above. call me what you want, because I am now labeled the overprotective parent,  but there are a lot things that make you an over protective parent, and I can assure you I am not.

Then it dawned on me You give a mouse a cookie then they want a glass of milk. I talked to my daughter and explained to her just what the rules for our home still were. I also took the time to remind her that new things that are offered to you are OK once in a while  and of course the fact that its new  makes it taste better than anything you have ever had, but that if you overindulge yourself you could become sick or compelled to just have that same thing. She just rolled her eyes and said that I was really being a mean person, by not letting her go to these places with her friends so then I blurted it out with out so much as a thought I said (When you have children of your own you will understand”). Of course I knew she didn’t believe me,  and you know what it did not matter to me weather or not she did. I had once again come full circle I now understood that mothers just know it all and for good reason.

Food For The Mind

Lilly”s Way