Lilly Sway

                        As the anniversary of my mothers death rolls around again, and again I still feel as though it was just last week, I have grown older and wiser, I have learned to accept things as they are, well to a certain point. I have been through so many battles that I just wonder how it is that I have kept my head together at all. And then I always turn my thoughts towards the struggles my mother had and how she survived to the age of eighty three, sometimes just barely though.  One of my sons discourages me from writing about sad or just plain bad things that happen to a person in their life, he is an optimist, and he usually prefers to look on the bright side of most anything.

I am getting older, so I speak my mind sometimes without a thought to how what I say could possibly affect anyone else, and I really think that my son who I am very grateful to for all of his help in giving me an out, or a release for my troubles that wear me out, and my triumphs that make me happy, by showing me how to use the computer. That is why I can reach out to you out there, Yes I am talking to you out there we are not all that different  from one another you know,  and then just maybe you will get something out of it, my writing is maybe helpful to others, or not, well that’s how I see it anyway.

To share this story that I wrote the night she died my mother that is, the story is about her.  Maybe this will help me more than you, so here we go another look at my life the yesterdays that have past, the today’s that I am living,  and the tomorrow’s that I hope to have. I was at the hospital sitting and watching the screens beep, the Iv drip, and the nurse who was checking my mothers pulse, When I just stared and fell into deep concentration about what my children will have to do when they are in my shoes, and of course to the memories of her. Here I am at my mothers bed side in her final stages of life, the doctor says this is it,  there is no more time for her on this earth, I am feeling very sad I resent the fact that it is me who has to make all of the decisions, I wish that she could do this for me also, as she helped me do those things that were hard for me to do as a child.

This woman is a rock she was so strong in every way, I mean she rarely said anything bad to anyone. I recall she helped a lady on the bus one day when I was only ten, the lady had been slapped by her husband, and my mother said to him how he should be ashamed, he spat on her and my mom just wiped it off with her handkerchief  she then turned to the lady and said to her that she could file charges of abuse on her husband, with the police, the man called my mother names, but she just kept right on telling the lady where the nearest policeman was in the city, just in case she said to the lady, just in case you get tired.

I held on to my mothers hand so tightly that I think I might have hurt her, but I remember that she never flinched an eye and stood her ground, she was so brave I thought, so tough.  I looked back at her ways, and at eighty three she governed herself so very  well she was as healthy as a horse as she always put it, I saw her debilitation drain every ounce of her good health away she became a victim to Alzheimer’s, and dementia I saw that invincible super mom turn vulnerable, and I saw the lost look of not being able to recognize her surroundings, and finally not being able to recognize me.

All of my life I have aspired to be just like her to be just like the best person you could ever meet,  the best one I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I was lucky that night she opened her eyes and I was there, although she was weak she managed to tell me that I must be in the wrong room, because she did not like to share her room with anyone much less a stranger. She just said faintly(” young lady you have to go, this is no place for you”).  I wanted to say hey mom it’s me, but I caught myself, she would be upset and I might confuse her,  so I was content to pat her face and give her a nod and then I  said that I would leave soon,  and then she was gone just like that. The tears just rolled out. I didn’t know that I was crying I was sort of wishing that I had dreamed it all.  The doctor said that she lived to a good age and that I should be glad of that, and I let him think that I was content with that statement. She is gone and with all the memories in the world that I have swimming in my head I will always remember how proud I am that I had her for the short time that I did.

Food For The Mind

Lilly’s Way    www.lillysway.com

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 26th, 2009 at 7:54 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.