Lilly Sway

I have been in just plain agony these past 3 weeks or so. My arthritis was just as bothersome as usual, but I began to cry myself to sleep three weeks ago and to hobble around. This is no joke I felt as if a bear trapped in a bear trap I now know how an animal can contemplate gnawing its appendage off. You laugh I hope not I am very serious. I had three of my pregnancies by C-section and was up and running the next day with the strength I had before I got pregnant. I am oblivious to pain tooth aches, two broken ankles. When I was very young I had polio and was in the experimental stages of acupuncture, I endured 100 needles a day as a child this could be devastating but I was not normal I was made to just ignore the pain and keep trying to walk.

I was put to a regimen after a year of acupuncture of a grueling 1 mile walk every day by my father, so as to not be an eye sore in his eyes (he was not having a cripple in his home). Well that meant every day I was awaken to a grueling walk straight out of the door at 4:30 in the morning. My father had to be at work by 6Am so he would drag me around the block about five or six time yelling at me to walk every day for about a half of a year. No I am not exaggerating. I only got a break on the days he did not come home. I eventually got to where I could hobble on my own, and then one and a half years later I could do the walk where he would watch me and wait for me to do the four passes around the block.

My father was very rough and had an attitude of never ever say you can not do something. When I was released from the hospital after a year of treatment, my parents were told that I would not ever walk with out my braces and I would always be handicapped. My father was very outraged at that statement and said to them “you so and so’s know not everything, my girl will walk and you can shove your know it all c— down someone else s throat” I know that his motivation was not for me of at least I never thought that it was, but I do walk and have played sports as if I had not ever an ailment in my life as a young person.

About ten years ago I started to have  this pain in the same leg as I had the polio , I have seen my father and 2 of my brothers have knee replacements, and all had rheumatoid arthritis my father ended up in a wheelchair at the age of 65 until his death he was in pain taking all that the doctors could give him to alleviate it. Nothing ever did, my youngest brother has a hard time walking and although a knee was replaced he is in pain everyday with the other knee and would not replace it according to him it is very painful either way. My older brother has his own knees that look like four or five golf balls are growing from the center of  them  and is in pain a lot every day for as long as I can remember. We both do not have health care so as many people do these days we make do.

I have taken enough Aleeve and Tylenol to have filled a couple of five gallon buckets, you might say what an abuse of  over the counter medication, I say thank you God that I could have that availability to make it through the rough excruciating nights  that I know I would have passed out from the pain. I had been through the emergency room and tried to pay for a physician so many times I lost count. The story was always the same get a referral, keep the next appointment and we will start the rest soon I had spent close to $1,800.00 in a eight week span and not even had an X-Ray, that would be after the blood test the urine test and the see if this pain killer will give you any relief visit to the doctors I was still in “the you have to get a referral to get to the specialist” phase. I have never had health care and at this point I do not see it in my future.

I gave up on letting my children go hungry so that I could pay for Vicodin and the like, for the pain. After eight weeks of trying to get some relief, and my bank was dry,  going to the circus of health care was not an option. If you do not have a referral you cannot see a specialist, If you do not go through the expensive testing you  cannot go forward I was resided to my own remediation for my ailment, so I depended on the best that I could afford for the last 10 years. I do hobble and I am not ashamed I do my best and keep a stiff upper lip. On good days when the weather is cool and dry I do not suffer so much.

This past month was a nightmare though the pain just elevated continuously and I could not find relief of any kind ice, heat, ointments, braces not even my old reliable pain medications with my glucosamine would work. I had cried so much that my pillow stayed soaked from the tears. I scoured the Internet and came upon a blog on the effects of relief for arthritis pain called Tryflex I never would think to peddle someones product and I know that even as I write this there are those of you who would question my doing the very thing by pitching the name right out there. I will say to you walk in my shoes of pain just for a day not a month just a day and see if you do not have the courage to just pass it on.

I stay current on anything that can help I keep my legs active exercise,  soak my legs in Epsom salt, wear arch supporting insoles, and I never give up trying to live with this ailment. I took three of these pills after struggling so much about the cost $60.00 or so my son went and got it I was not sure just how much of our groceries would suffer the hit for an out of budget expenditure, but I am so glad that I did concede to the cost. I woke up this morning without the tears and without all of my usual struggling just to get to the bathroom. I kid you not I have been a useless person the past month, not even the simple task of cooking and doing the dishes could get done with out my having to sit every five minutes for the pain. I have taken a shower, changed the linen on my bed, put in two wash loads, cooked breakfast, and washed my dishes and I have only been up an hour. I am literally on cloud nine.

How can this be after only just one regular dose, so what comes to me is the saying that my mother would say when I did not want to accept a direction or believe something she would say “yours is but to do or die, not to ask and reason why” I was drawn to write to you out there just to let you know how this has helped me in just one day. I know the nay Sayer’s are out there, I know that it may not work for everyone, I know that there are those who might say “the gall of that woman, how dare she just put it out there as if to be a knowing educated physician”, and for your peace of mind please note that I do not profess to be. I am but a person with a resolve for my situation that may or may not help someone else. I am now and always willing to share with my fellow man what little I can.

I am without pain, yes I am still a little uncomfortable , but not in agony, not rolling around the bed in so much pain that you would like to pass out rather than go through this suffering. Please take from this what you will, I do not expect to heal the knees in just one day, but I will not let myself get beaten down by something that could take away my ability to walk with out a fight. So for now the battle front is a lull in the pain department, and if you read as  often as I do, every spare moment. I can say you may find this can help you too. If it does just pass it on.

Food for the Mind

Lilly’s Way   www.lillysway.com

My oldest and I were talking about a play he was in when he was 5 this evening, as we were at the table discussing how everyone should get to and from school next year. I was lost to the busy  thoughts and memories of how I came to find out I was pregnant, and of his birth. I work doing odd jobs and any time I am running late he fills in for the car rider run. I have come to depend on him, for with out a doubt he is the most responsible person I have ever known. I am truly a lucky person, becoming a mother was a dream come true.

I was so happy to have a child when he was born. I had been trying for over a decade and had given up hope to not ever being privileged to becoming  a mother, and then one late October day when I was traveling with my husband for work I got the flu and had to come home because I had the worst flu I had ever experienced. I was living on the bathroom floor of the hotel we were in. It was so bad that the neighbors were complaining that my dry heaving was to much to bear and they asked to be moved.

When the room was occupied that very same evening I was asked by the manager to move next to the elevators so that no one else would complain. I knew that my husband would not get a wink of sleep if we were moved next to the elevators, so I packed up in between the runs to the restroom and left my husband a note, (he only made it to the room by 9 every evening, the seminar he was attending for his job required him to be social after the 12 hour classes so as to help recruit the newbies for the work he did at the time). I made the flight and had not realized that a two hour flight can be an eternity if you are feeling ill.

The flight attendants were really nice we flew very often for these seminars and were always recognized by one flight crew or another on the Southwest airline domestic flights. I was green and they, they were very kind, although they kept their distance for fear of catching my flu. They let me rest in first class at the back of first class for the whole flight. The plane was virtually empty. I always said that there are nice people everywhere even up in the air. My sister who was house sitting for us met me at the airport and took me straight to the doctor the very next morning after a really bad night.

I usually got ill with the onset of Fall I have weak lungs from an accident in my early years that left me weak and susceptible to colds, they usually turned into pneumonia. My doctor was one of those that would make a joke and say that he could mark his calender for my visits because he knew that I would not take a pill with out his having seen me first. He was my physician until he passed away 6 years ago( He was a really great person). I knew that he would check the blood to see if I had taken my lung medication regularly. I was literally floored when he said that I was pregnant, and not ill at all. He said that I would have to be careful when the pregnancy got further along and that he would be there  if there were any complications.

I told my doctor that I would do my exercises the ones that I had not ever done before(the ones I hated so much) and take the swimming lessons he so encouraged me to take for three years.  He just said yeah I’ll believe that when I see it. I said I am about to become a mother, a mommy, a person who has to ensure the safety of another. I will be ready. I said this as I became green again and spent the next hour in his office dry heaving. He gave me a shot and finally I could leave and go find a phone to call my husband with the good news. He was speechless and did not believe me so after the initial four to six weeks of being ill I caught up with him to show off my belly.

My son was born after a full term pregnancy and yes there were complications, but only that he was breach, so a C-section was inevitable for his birth. I had become a swimmer and like a fish I swam. My health was not an issue at his birth as I had set my goals well beyond the birthing point. I was going to be a mother a person who receives unconditional love from their offspring. a responsibility that I had longed for. I was not about to profess my love for a helpless totally dependent life and not be worthy. My mother would say that you can not give of yourself one ounce of love to another, if you do not take care of yourself in  the first place. I used to be perplexed by that statement, but no longer. She was right how can I take care of a child if I am not even healthy enough to take care of myself, so I did.

I had all of the world in front of me and my path was very clear there was to be no half way, half done, not up to it today feeling in this task. I was on cloud nine. I was as healthy as a horse my doctor said at delivery time(I still resent that remark) all of my dreams were realized as the most magnificent cry rang in that delivery room. My husband cried for joy as he saw his new son come into this world, and I was so glad to hear the cry I exclaimed how beautiful it was to hear him. The doctor said only a real mother would ever say that, and that I should let him know if I still feel that way in a couple of months after he was home.

My oldest is a joy and always has been, I used to say that I had a (Stepford) son in joking because he has never given his father or I one day of grief. I know you say oh yeah sure I bet not, but you would be completely out of line. He to this date has not. Now he has completed all of his core classes and acquired a two year degree he will be leaving in the fall (This is a very happy , sad , heart wrenching, happy sick feeling ) time in a mothers life as many mothers get used to the fact that their children leave for the armed forces, they get married, they go away for school, or they journey to find themselves. I am not alone in this matter as any mother has the empty feeling that hollow gnawing will they be alright feeling everyday that they are gone. I know that it is as it must be, and I would not ever say a word to let him know my fears. I will help him pack at the end of this summer and give him no grief, I will be strong and not shed a tear for, I started to prepare myself for this time in his life on the day he was born. I not only physically got into a healthy regimen, but everyday I have reminded myself that he is only on loan to me for a short time(they all grow to fast) that he was made for the world and has to mature on his own to be the kind of person with substance that I have admired in his father for 30 plus years. I know that this is what becoming a mother is really all about. Doing your best and letting them go. I implore those of you about to become a mother the time with your children is but a blink of an eye use it wisely.

Food For the Mind

Lilly’s Way         www.lillysway.com

I am always busy trying to do the things I know have to get done, and then if there are the emotional things pending I just let them mount up until there is no recourse but to deal with them. I tend to wear my feelings on my shoulder and this can get in the way of progression. My feelings are something that is a very conscionable thing in my life I may over think something, or try to accomplish it on my own as many times as I have to,in order to try to get it done right. (I live for harmony and peace).

This does not always set right when it comes to conflict in our home I want things to go smoothly and with out confrontation, and as I grow to a more mature state. I have found that I will have to allocate things to others and that is OK, the problem is that I do not want to let go of what I know to be right and I try to keep the peace always. I am no scientist, but harmony in a house as chaotic as ours is impossible, and peace is almost unimaginable. Tonight was no exception to that.

I have been a mediator for such a long time within most all family matters extended and many many friends that seem to have no resolution for a problem, that I most assuredly will come up with a solution to bring the turmoil to a halt. Then there is the matter of my past, I had lived a life time of what not to do for most of my childhood that I always proceed with caution. This is not always a bad thing as I can give an accounting of hundreds of instances that I have been called a fortune teller. I can predict many things this is true, but I attribute the keen sense, or intuitiveness to my way of thinking about a matter with out bias, though I can and have been wrong it is not often that I get it wrong. The problem is that when it comes to personal conflict with those closest to me I do not want to let any of them be hurt, so I will jump at the first thing I think of to keep them all safe(this is my past childhood life interfering with my now life).

Regression is controllable and so are many things that sneak in to our day, our thoughts and yes these most certainly are easily controlled.  I usually maintain my opinion to finding a  resolve for a matter  I usually put my opinion into the pot after I have given it much thought. Which brings me to the problem that transpired tonight. My kids were in a heated battle, never mind the what they were arguing about, my solution instantaneously was to stifle the matter and hand out evaluations to fix it, so as to stop the argument. My kids are intellectually inclined so what happened tonight was just a plain old tired of thinking about how to came to a solution, and sticking to your guns for the sake of the fight. I knew this to be true when they were switching off who’s side they were arguing for.

I should have let the “discussion play out, but that old me kept trying to keep the peace  just kicked in.  To my surprise they just over talked me and got louder and kept on with their fight. When I pulled rank on the matter they turned on me, well I just would not indulge mutiny but, I did forget that I had taught them all about how to stay your ground, if you feel you are right about something, (so they did) I was bombarded about how they needed to argue this out, and that I should know by now that not all things can be resolved with a peaceful outcome for everyone.

Shocked no I was not, Speechless is more like it. I just walked away and did what ever I had not finished doing. They finally stopped about 10 minutes later, and slowly but surely one by one came into my bedroom to apologize about their outburst. I was angry at first and did not open my door to the knocks, but as they are so much like I am, they will not go to bed angry so open the door now or open later the knocks will continue until all is well.

I opened the door and before I could differentiate the I’m sorry mom from any of them, I said to them all that tonight was the biggest sign of maturity I had seen yet. They thought I was being facetious I was not, I was serious. I had interfered many an argument and only to run over that same conflict time and time again in the past. When I went to my room I realized that I should allow them to disagree or even fight for this is the only way they can truly come into their own as adults. Since they are my children arguing with each other, I just would not let them hurt each others feelings bad enough to let it be a problem later in their life, as many many families drift apart over the years because of a childhood arguments or incidents. (my childhood life interfering with my now life).

I guess things are changing for them and for me. I am learning from them as they used to always learn from me. I should be happy to see that , but as a mom it is just a bitter sweet thing your dreams or I should say that my dreams are for them. I want for them to always stay in touch and share from their lives with each other. I can only hope that this will be the case. I can predict it too , but their is no mystery to this matter, for when I was brushing my teeth tonight I heard other peoples doors being knocked on. I feel good having cleaned out some of that old baggage that I thought was so important to hold onto.

Today in the wee hours of the morning on the 5th of May, I dedicate this story to my mother and my sister who both have passed away on this very same day. I will always LOVE you both.

Food For the Mind

Lilly’s Sway          www. lillysway.com