Lilly Sway

I am always busy trying to do the things I know have to get done, and then if there are the emotional things pending I just let them mount up until there is no recourse but to deal with them. I tend to wear my feelings on my shoulder and this can get in the way of progression. My feelings are something that is a very conscionable thing in my life I may over think something, or try to accomplish it on my own as many times as I have to,in order to try to get it done right. (I live for harmony and peace).

This does not always set right when it comes to conflict in our home I want things to go smoothly and with out confrontation, and as I grow to a more mature state. I have found that I will have to allocate things to others and that is OK, the problem is that I do not want to let go of what I know to be right and I try to keep the peace always. I am no scientist, but harmony in a house as chaotic as ours is impossible, and peace is almost unimaginable. Tonight was no exception to that.

I have been a mediator for such a long time within most all family matters extended and many many friends that seem to have no resolution for a problem, that I most assuredly will come up with a solution to bring the turmoil to a halt. Then there is the matter of my past, I had lived a life time of what not to do for most of my childhood that I always proceed with caution. This is not always a bad thing as I can give an accounting of hundreds of instances that I have been called a fortune teller. I can predict many things this is true, but I attribute the keen sense, or intuitiveness to my way of thinking about a matter with out bias, though I can and have been wrong it is not often that I get it wrong. The problem is that when it comes to personal conflict with those closest to me I do not want to let any of them be hurt, so I will jump at the first thing I think of to keep them all safe(this is my past childhood life interfering with my now life).

Regression is controllable and so are many things that sneak in to our day, our thoughts and yes these most certainly are easily controlled.  I usually maintain my opinion to finding a  resolve for a matter  I usually put my opinion into the pot after I have given it much thought. Which brings me to the problem that transpired tonight. My kids were in a heated battle, never mind the what they were arguing about, my solution instantaneously was to stifle the matter and hand out evaluations to fix it, so as to stop the argument. My kids are intellectually inclined so what happened tonight was just a plain old tired of thinking about how to came to a solution, and sticking to your guns for the sake of the fight. I knew this to be true when they were switching off who’s side they were arguing for.

I should have let the “discussion play out, but that old me kept trying to keep the peace  just kicked in.  To my surprise they just over talked me and got louder and kept on with their fight. When I pulled rank on the matter they turned on me, well I just would not indulge mutiny but, I did forget that I had taught them all about how to stay your ground, if you feel you are right about something, (so they did) I was bombarded about how they needed to argue this out, and that I should know by now that not all things can be resolved with a peaceful outcome for everyone.

Shocked no I was not, Speechless is more like it. I just walked away and did what ever I had not finished doing. They finally stopped about 10 minutes later, and slowly but surely one by one came into my bedroom to apologize about their outburst. I was angry at first and did not open my door to the knocks, but as they are so much like I am, they will not go to bed angry so open the door now or open later the knocks will continue until all is well.

I opened the door and before I could differentiate the I’m sorry mom from any of them, I said to them all that tonight was the biggest sign of maturity I had seen yet. They thought I was being facetious I was not, I was serious. I had interfered many an argument and only to run over that same conflict time and time again in the past. When I went to my room I realized that I should allow them to disagree or even fight for this is the only way they can truly come into their own as adults. Since they are my children arguing with each other, I just would not let them hurt each others feelings bad enough to let it be a problem later in their life, as many many families drift apart over the years because of a childhood arguments or incidents. (my childhood life interfering with my now life).

I guess things are changing for them and for me. I am learning from them as they used to always learn from me. I should be happy to see that , but as a mom it is just a bitter sweet thing your dreams or I should say that my dreams are for them. I want for them to always stay in touch and share from their lives with each other. I can only hope that this will be the case. I can predict it too , but their is no mystery to this matter, for when I was brushing my teeth tonight I heard other peoples doors being knocked on. I feel good having cleaned out some of that old baggage that I thought was so important to hold onto.

Today in the wee hours of the morning on the 5th of May, I dedicate this story to my mother and my sister who both have passed away on this very same day. I will always LOVE you both.

Food For the Mind

Lilly’s Sway          www. lillysway.com

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 5th, 2010 at 5:55 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.