Lilly Sway

My oldest and I were talking about a play he was in when he was 5 this evening, as we were at the table discussing how everyone should get to and from school next year. I was lost to the busy  thoughts and memories of how I came to find out I was pregnant, and of his birth. I work doing odd jobs and any time I am running late he fills in for the car rider run. I have come to depend on him, for with out a doubt he is the most responsible person I have ever known. I am truly a lucky person, becoming a mother was a dream come true.

I was so happy to have a child when he was born. I had been trying for over a decade and had given up hope to not ever being privileged to becoming  a mother, and then one late October day when I was traveling with my husband for work I got the flu and had to come home because I had the worst flu I had ever experienced. I was living on the bathroom floor of the hotel we were in. It was so bad that the neighbors were complaining that my dry heaving was to much to bear and they asked to be moved.

When the room was occupied that very same evening I was asked by the manager to move next to the elevators so that no one else would complain. I knew that my husband would not get a wink of sleep if we were moved next to the elevators, so I packed up in between the runs to the restroom and left my husband a note, (he only made it to the room by 9 every evening, the seminar he was attending for his job required him to be social after the 12 hour classes so as to help recruit the newbies for the work he did at the time). I made the flight and had not realized that a two hour flight can be an eternity if you are feeling ill.

The flight attendants were really nice we flew very often for these seminars and were always recognized by one flight crew or another on the Southwest airline domestic flights. I was green and they, they were very kind, although they kept their distance for fear of catching my flu. They let me rest in first class at the back of first class for the whole flight. The plane was virtually empty. I always said that there are nice people everywhere even up in the air. My sister who was house sitting for us met me at the airport and took me straight to the doctor the very next morning after a really bad night.

I usually got ill with the onset of Fall I have weak lungs from an accident in my early years that left me weak and susceptible to colds, they usually turned into pneumonia. My doctor was one of those that would make a joke and say that he could mark his calender for my visits because he knew that I would not take a pill with out his having seen me first. He was my physician until he passed away 6 years ago( He was a really great person). I knew that he would check the blood to see if I had taken my lung medication regularly. I was literally floored when he said that I was pregnant, and not ill at all. He said that I would have to be careful when the pregnancy got further along and that he would be there  if there were any complications.

I told my doctor that I would do my exercises the ones that I had not ever done before(the ones I hated so much) and take the swimming lessons he so encouraged me to take for three years.  He just said yeah I’ll believe that when I see it. I said I am about to become a mother, a mommy, a person who has to ensure the safety of another. I will be ready. I said this as I became green again and spent the next hour in his office dry heaving. He gave me a shot and finally I could leave and go find a phone to call my husband with the good news. He was speechless and did not believe me so after the initial four to six weeks of being ill I caught up with him to show off my belly.

My son was born after a full term pregnancy and yes there were complications, but only that he was breach, so a C-section was inevitable for his birth. I had become a swimmer and like a fish I swam. My health was not an issue at his birth as I had set my goals well beyond the birthing point. I was going to be a mother a person who receives unconditional love from their offspring. a responsibility that I had longed for. I was not about to profess my love for a helpless totally dependent life and not be worthy. My mother would say that you can not give of yourself one ounce of love to another, if you do not take care of yourself in  the first place. I used to be perplexed by that statement, but no longer. She was right how can I take care of a child if I am not even healthy enough to take care of myself, so I did.

I had all of the world in front of me and my path was very clear there was to be no half way, half done, not up to it today feeling in this task. I was on cloud nine. I was as healthy as a horse my doctor said at delivery time(I still resent that remark) all of my dreams were realized as the most magnificent cry rang in that delivery room. My husband cried for joy as he saw his new son come into this world, and I was so glad to hear the cry I exclaimed how beautiful it was to hear him. The doctor said only a real mother would ever say that, and that I should let him know if I still feel that way in a couple of months after he was home.

My oldest is a joy and always has been, I used to say that I had a (Stepford) son in joking because he has never given his father or I one day of grief. I know you say oh yeah sure I bet not, but you would be completely out of line. He to this date has not. Now he has completed all of his core classes and acquired a two year degree he will be leaving in the fall (This is a very happy , sad , heart wrenching, happy sick feeling ) time in a mothers life as many mothers get used to the fact that their children leave for the armed forces, they get married, they go away for school, or they journey to find themselves. I am not alone in this matter as any mother has the empty feeling that hollow gnawing will they be alright feeling everyday that they are gone. I know that it is as it must be, and I would not ever say a word to let him know my fears. I will help him pack at the end of this summer and give him no grief, I will be strong and not shed a tear for, I started to prepare myself for this time in his life on the day he was born. I not only physically got into a healthy regimen, but everyday I have reminded myself that he is only on loan to me for a short time(they all grow to fast) that he was made for the world and has to mature on his own to be the kind of person with substance that I have admired in his father for 30 plus years. I know that this is what becoming a mother is really all about. Doing your best and letting them go. I implore those of you about to become a mother the time with your children is but a blink of an eye use it wisely.

Food For the Mind

Lilly’s Way         www.lillysway.com