Lilly Sway

I have always been a believer of perseverance, and tenacity, but most importantly a believer of what it is to live being a decent individual. Here lately things have seemed a bit harder, or it may be that I am feeling a bit chided from the constant, of the battle just to win through all of the web of chaos that has enveloped my life. Coping is what living is, for me any way, just doing my best and waiting for the turn of events that will lead me to the revaluation of a secure outcome for my children s future. I work freelance at most anything that I know I can do, and take the jobs I know that I can learn quickly so that the temporary position I occupy will not find me out before I can grasp the wheel and take control.

It may be a little crazy but I do find where there is a will there is a way. I, although dedicated to my plight am facing adversity in just the simple challenge of being able to walk in to an opportunity with out seeming to, in need and conceding to what ever I can get until the next time of opportunity. This I can tell you is a recipe for disaster. I still rise up to what comes and fight until the task is complete. I have been idle now for a month and becoming alarmed as to what my husband can do for us on his own. He just keeps on going as if the energizer bunny starting over and trying to keep afloat at the same time is hard, but he just does what is presented to him at his job and keeps on going.

He has worked as a painter and in construction since he was 10 that’s right he gave up his education at the end of high school to support his family since his dad became ill. He worked as a painter for nine years at the age of 19 he found a good paying job that required us to travel for the projects to be completed were always in another city much as they are today. He did not mind and I became used to the travel, we were young so adventurous was the name we gave our livelihood, but if you have ever worked with your hands in a struggling economy you know that checks come irregular and usually at the end of a project, so we got used to saving real quick.

I learned not to use credit ever, and only buy what we need, and only by way of cash or you could run into trouble. Our creditors were the utility companies who would not ever work out a plan for the kind of payments we made according to our income, and if were in need of a vehicle we would save enough for a two thirds down and maintain a small note. These were the tricks to how our lives worked then, and how mainly we have to live now. The flat industry of our way to provide income for the family was a bust for our bank account and our very livelihood.

I paid virtually every doctor visit for my little ones cash even the astronomical train of shots required through out their early years. This because the cost of any insurance was way out of our grasp and when we got steady work the tide never would let us make any sort of regular payment, but what the heck you make do with what you have and keep moving towards the goals you can still accomplish, and put the others on the back burner. This gave us a good but simple life and a challenge to stay afloat.

I know that anything you have that is material has only the value  you place on it as an individual, but I do not flip my nose at my home. This is where my children have learned all that they need to come out a bit better off than the people of my era. My children have learned to educate themselves to the up most that their imagination will allow them to achieve. My husband and I both came from families that did not endear education, but through our struggle we learned that the knowledge availability of today will drastically turn the tide for our children and their future if well educated.

I stay up nights and can not find a restful minute as we are being scrutinized by our mortgage company’s evaluation of our ability to get a second chance to keep our home. We were on target even with the lack of work we still paid our mortgage note. but our note was sold to seven (7) different mortgage companies or banks until we ended up with the clause of a balloon note that kicked in two years ago. We have a large note but one we could live with since we did not indulge in credit cards and had our lives in control until there was no work and then my husbands illness, but we were floored at the prospect of coming up with a mortgage of $2,600.00. Monthly no less.

I tried to get a different loan and as I well knew since we had no steady checks we were not even considered for the mortgage refinancing of our home we have exhausted all of avenues the “saves” that the government had issued were for the people who lived beyond their means, and the people who were in  credit card  debt, so we have kept on the slide toward loosing our home for the past year we have worked and lived, but we did not get into the debt that would possibly save us from loosing our home now.

I felt a bit chastised from our mortgage company for not having the credit card debt that would save our home. In fact they wanted us to see if we had used our income to pay off credit cards and we could use that for our save, of course we had none. I don’t quite know what to make of the way you can ask for help, is it only after you have been bad, or done wrong can there be help for you when you need a helping hand? We are not asking for anything that the other people in debt are asking for we are working and have been applying all we have towards the saving of our home, but is it a wrong to have lived within what our means afforded us to?

I have a matter of a couple of weeks to the resolve of this consideration from our mortgage company. I am not holding my breath, but I am on pins and needles. I can only pray for the best and hope that we have a reasonable evaluation performed on our twelve page packet. I sent out nothing but zeros on almost all of the questions, as 65 % of the questionnaire pertained towards the credit card and loan debt. I really think that the forms were ridiculousness to say the least. We had no work and now we have work that would afford us to make a decent note. As I write this today my heart is heavy I know that it could go either way maybe 50/50 but I feel way down deep in my gut that maybe we should have over extended ourselves and we could have a better chance of being saved ha! go figure.

I am perplexed at the way things are at the moment and I know that I may have to start again, as I look at the trees and the sun on them this morning my smile came almost instantly just for the beautiful view I have for now. My children lay sleeping in their beds and they ate breakfast this morning while I drank my coffee, and soaked my knee in an epson salt pack. I remember all the good, all the bad, and all of the wonderful things as clearly as when I first set foot in this, my home. I felt as if I was always meant to be here. My son asked me if I had slept well, because of the pained look that had come out on my face, that had just come over my face since the probability of loosing my home crept in along with the appreciation I was giving it in my thoughts. I said that it was my knee and did not let on the fear I was hiding.

I was trying to tell my husband last night that I had not much faith in the packet, but he was glad to hear that I had got the packet off and with cheer in his voice, said he had to go because he was looking for a hotel close to the job site. I did not have the heart to tell him what my thoughts truly were and maybe it is for the best that I wait and not tinge his day tomorrow which is today with worry. He said that he felt good and that maybe we have taken a turn for the better this time. I said that I loved him and hung up the phone.

I have never heard my husband, I mean never heard him say I give up, on the contrary he always just says “lets see what tomorrow brings us”. He has much more faith than I at this point, I have an over whelming sadness that I am hiding today, the tears are there, the flushed look. I can be a very strong willed individual, but I am not infallible, nor am I with out fears. I guess the mind can ponder all of the bad as well as the good I just feel a little beaten hear of late. His way my husbands way is to always look at the bright side. I have strayed a bit and can not seem to fathom the will he has, but I am going for that second cup of coffee and I will again try to stay the fight until it is over. One way or the other, I will seek out that faith that is eluding me today.

Food for the Mind

Lilly’s way   www.lillysway.com