Lilly Sway

I have been putting off writing this month as I do when I am busy, or in this case, when I feel not up to the task at hand. I get bogged down more often than not with my very simple, but many chores, or I am trying to steer myself out of a state of depression. Yes it is true situations are not always prime and easily resolved in my world, hence the word that describes me best or any one for that matter (Human) that makes me as fallible as the next person. I do have many challenges these days, physical, monetary, and then those things that just seem to squash the very life out of you.

My writing is a state of reality to what I live, and what I lived, and sometimes in many cases the things I do not like to talk about. Writing about what makes me tick is an abounding consolidation that I deliver to you stemming of the hardships, triumphs and failures that make Lilly (me) who I am to all. I procrastinate mostly for the time to keep my self whole, to give myself a moment, or two to ponder the significance of what I will write about and why I am doing so. I do struggle, as many people do with just always trying to take the good, forget the ugly, and learn from the bad. It is easy to say but very hard to accomplish continually.

Much less on a daily basis. I often speak of how those very negative things have made me, who I am, but I rarely try to see what they have taken away from what I could have been. That would be digression. I lived a life on a line as a young person the things that I knew would keep me safe and the things that would make my life more miserable than my reality. So I learned to procrastinate put hard or challenging things off until I had to deal with them absolutely.

If this sounds as if it is a cop-out, well it is, or was, at the time when I was young it saved me anguish. I usually do not like to deal with just all good things in my life, I feel that would be glutinous. I believe that good is for sharing with those who need to brighten a thing or two in their lives. Like when there are A’s on the report card and I know it because the principal called or e-mailed me a congratulations for my child’s accomplishments. I wait until the report card comes and I make sure that my husband can be surprised or overwhelmed at the news and then he can directly bond that moment with my child into a memory they will both cherish forever.

I love a moment like that, and it lasts so very long on the good things to do list. Which means, that I don’t have to dwell on the fact that my husbands illness is making it harder, and harder for my children to connect with him. I try to never let more than a day go by with out telling everyone in my life that I love them, this is also the warmest and most fulfilling thing that keeps me from procrastination, as it means that I must do my part to ensure that what I am saying is real, and that I must find a way to keep on keeping on. The ugly things past, and present get the back seat to most of what I try to think about, but sometimes it is very much in the drivers seat.

The thing about ugly, is that it does show up and you must deal with it on the spur of the moment, so as to not let it overtake your life. There are things in your life meaning my life that,  you must argue about, or think on, and sometimes engage just to keep it real. I am a person who feels strongly about many things and I do get into arguments about what is right to me. I see the disease (diabetes) my husband is dealing with and it is very sad and hurtful to see what it is doing to him. He is of another time when you did what ever it takes, to stay focused on the problems you can solve, and never, and I mean never stop to deal with what you have no control over.

So I deal with the ugly I get into arguments, say what is on my mind, and try to make my husband deal with now, instead of letting him try to just keep on going as far as he can before he drops out of my life. The anguish I feel is heart wrenching to me. I see and can do nothing to slow him down on the course of choice, and he like most men always seems to think, is that it is under control, and if it was his time to leave us for any reason, we, he, nor I could do a thing to stop it. I get down in the dumps, and want to just sleep away my sadness, as my mother did the years that came after we all left home. My mother slept for ten years, and never wanted to go anywhere, or do anything and sadly all the begging in the world could not budge her from that bed. My mother died at 83 very physically healthy, but very damaged mentally from the hard brutal life she lived.

I remember feeling sad, and crying, for many a time went by the same every time. I came over, she would not leave her bed. I would help her bathe, make her bathe, cook her favorite meal and just sit and try to make her talk to me . She would take her bath, smile and then just go back to bed. I stay out of the bed and spring from it, even on my worst day, just so as to not let the bad overtake me, as it did my mother. There are bad things now as there were back many years ago in my life, but I refuse to give in to the bad. I deal with it. I cooked breakfast yesterday and put off cooking lunch for the way I felt, and could not bring myself to make lunch, I know you must think me crazy but I procrastinated until dinner hour, because my depression was so profound that I just could not engage. I did manage dinner and this morning I made up my mind to interact even if there was this over whelming feeling to just sleep all day.

I deal with a lot from day to day and sometime even you could say most of the time. I can bring myself to realize the short term bad can hurt you forever, if you let it. So even though I procrastinate I do manage to shake it off, and then just do what I can to keep the stride as hard as it seems to just keep in step with my reality.

I have been putting off writing for the very reason, that what I feel today is a heavy mixture of what was, and what is, and what will be. I try to look on the bright side, but there is not always that silver lining to look forward to. I procrastinate yes I confess I do, but today as any other I will do my best to overcome it.

Food for the Mind

Lilly’s Way   www.lillysway.com